Wednesday, February 11, 2009

2nd Avenue Garden

I've been thinking a lot about magic. So much of life is practical, grimy and grinding--but to me there is a glimmer of golden thread that's magic about it. The thread winds through the core of me and stretches out into life making everything all right and often heart-achingly beautiful.

My first memories are magical and belong to the garden of my childhood home on 2nd Avenue. I had a corner room on the second story of an old house--at least old for a Salt Lake City house. The room was on the northeast corner. It had windows lining both sides, so every morning I would wake up with the sun.

On summer Saturdays I would wake to the sound of lawn mowers. My dad was always interested in the community and we had a prison work release detail mow our lawn--I didn't know this at the time. I remember peeking at the workmen and seeing faces that seemed, to a young child, as old, lined and tired.

To me it was just magical to wake up to the smell of cut grass coming in through my window. To this day I can't resist the smell of cut lawn. I know it is how green smells. Even though I know that our Kentucky Blue Grass lawns guzzle water in the desert I love the soft green-blue carpet--and secretly hope we never have to give them up.

The garden was unusual. We had thousands of flowers and two large earthy areas behind our kitchen sown with zinnias just for cutting. There were large bushes to hide in, a gazebo with a fort in the top. We had plum trees with dark leaves, casting deep shadows even in the height of summer. The fruit was almost black and dropped to the ground in the fall, filling the air with heady smells of sugar and fermentation.

One fall the whole family was organized and sent to the garden to plant thousands and thousands of bulbs. My dad prepared the beds with peat moss. We planted and planted and planted. The next spring the daffodils and tulips were pouring out of our yard. My mom cut bucketfuls and gave them away, took them to church and placed them on every table in our home. I wrapped many cut stems in wet paper towels and took them to my school teachers.

Years later when I planted my first garden in my first house I covered the beds with peat moss. I poured the spiky clouds of peat onto the ground, and as I mixed it in with my shovel I was overcome by such an immediate and visceral memory of that time I burst into tears. I hadn't known how much I loved that smell, hadn't even known to miss it. That was the strongest of the magic, pulling me back in time.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Nuked by Battlestar Galactica

Last week my son had a cold, then my daughter and this week me! Yeah, it was the stuffy nose, itchy throat, wish I could sleep type of classic common cold. I hate the I can't sleep part. I can always sleep. I'm the type of person that can board a plane in New York City, wrap a blanket around myself and wake up as the plane begins to descend in Salt Lake City. I can sleep in my chair at work, it only happened once and get this--my own snore woke me up. I can even sleep in those wooden carrels at the University of Utah. Yesterday, I was finally so exhausted that I fell asleep on my bedroom floor because it felt like the bed was too far away.

All this is a lengthy prelude to a justification. I stayed home from work yesterday--which honestly kind of made me mad, because I like to work. I just couldn't get up the gumption to get out of my pajamas--a sure sign that I was sick. So, I'm home and sick and my throat is not allowing me to sleep, even with Dayquil. It's 10:30 am. I think you know where this is going, I'm alone in my room. I've been in bed all morning and I can't sleep. Is that enough justification for a TELEVISION ORGY. I say YES!


It started with 3 episodes of Battlestar Galactica. (If you haven't seen it don't knock it.) Then it was only 1pm. Still can't sleep, then by all means queue up, 24. I think it was only SEVEN hours on the DVR--which sans ads is only like FIVE hours. Add it up--yes right there it's 7.5 hours consumed TV, so far. The kids have come home, leftovers reheated, kids to dance, then back to the TV. Yes, this time Privileged. I know--since my husband erased all my other shows--see I even blame him.

It's was 10pm. I tried valiantly to sleep and couldn't. (I tried for a whole 10 minutes I swear.) Then I took one last look at the DVR. I found The Constant Gardener. I love John le Carre, I love Ralph Fiennes, and I love Rachel Weisz. I watched the whole thing, finishing at midnight--my husband was snoring, I had the captions on--There is something wrong with me!

Alas.

The flesh is weak.

It taught me a lesson. I don't think I could do this no TV thing if I were home all the time. The house is so very quiet and my mind is kind of loud--TV can be such a lovely opiate. Also, I think I'm going to need one day a month where I can watch what I want. I'm going to have to add that to my rules.

The last lesson I've learned is that TV TOTALLY ROCKS--and I probably need to keep not watching it if I want to get anything done.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Saved by Antonio Banderas

Today did not start well. First I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept and with a sore throat. Not too bad though--just not great. I get to work and check my email. At 9:15 I was soundly rejected by an agent. Not just any agent but the one who had asked to see my manuscript. She didn't just reject my query, she rejected my book. Which in some ways is worse that being rejected personally, it's like having your thoughts and soul rejected. Nice.

The universe has a way of balancing things out though. This is going to show how shallow I really am and also how very little it takes to truly please me!

At about 1:37 pm I am sitting at my desk at work and hear someone at the door. Since there is no one at the front desk it is my duty to see who has blessed us with their presence. I see the paper products delivery man. I direct him to where the paper needs to be placed, which is kind of in my office because I have the incredible luck to have a cozy cubby in the copy/work room!

He places the paper and stands up and tells me with a marked Spanish accent that I am beautiful He actually says, "You are beautiful." I of course say a stunned, "Thank you." He then asks--and I am not lying here, I swear. "Are you married?" I think I gave an un-beautiful guffaw and say, "Yes"--holding up my left hand to show my wedding band. No one ever asks me if I'm married, I look married, I have married written all over my face. Then I add, unnecessarily, "and I have 5 kids." I look like I have 5 kids, I have five kids written all over my body.

He says again, "You are beautiful." It's true I could not have made this up. I sign the work order--very gracefully, just like Angelina Jolie would. He honestly kind of whispers about 5 more times, "so beautiful," as he picks up his stuff to leave. It was a little creepy but mostly deeply satisfying.

To many of you who are blessed with this kind of attention this may not seem like a big deal. To me this was a red banner day! The last person to hit on me was a hairdresser in Portland Oregon 20 years ago and I'm not sure if he liked me or just wanted to prove he liked women. Plus, the only people that compliment me on my looks are related to me and you know--they kind of have to.

The paper products deliver man thought I was single, beautiful and he didn't call me ma'am, which is what everyone else calls me these days. I don't care if he was portly and a few inches shorter--to me he will always be young Antonio Banderas.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Setbacks Schmetbacks

I awoke yesterday with a different brain. It was as if I had been possessed by a nagging hunger that was deep--not just deep--it was cavernous--not just cavernous--it was galactic--not just galactic--it was infinite. Yep, that's the word. I woke up with an infinite hunger, that would not be sated. I know you're sad--because you thought I was perfect. I am sorry for the disillusionment.

It couldn't be sated with low-fat & high fiber soy nuts, whole wheat pretzels, Wendy's Chicken Sandwich without sauce, Wendy's Small Chili (on the edge of the 4g of fat thing), chicken gyro (okay that was a skid off the edge) of which I only ate 1/2, and okay the final truth and I am only going to whisper it French fries and fry sauce. Yes, I ate like 15! I just couldn't stop. My first real cheat!

I just felt like eating JUNK! Thus, the foray to Wendy's and when I picked up my hungry daughter from dance, Apollo Burger. Honestly. The French fry craving had been building for days, but I was handling it--no problem. I had perspective. What made me lose that perspective? I didn't feel stressed or down. I animated those fries, like they were talking to me, like they had power. They don't have power--I DO! Tarnation.

I take a deep breath. Today I am back in the drivers seat--where food is fuel--nothing more, it doesn't dance, it doesn't tempt, it is there to serve me and make me strong!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Through a Glass Darkly


It's been days. I think I've forgotten how to blog.

I've had some good news on the book front that I am excited about. I started sending out queries again and thanks to my incredible sister-in-law Brodi's advice on query tweaking, I had a positive response.

I sent a query and the first chapter to an agent and she asked to see the whole book! Yea! It's the first time that has happened. A bona-fide NY agent—with a great agency. So the reason I haven't posted is that my book was still in pieces—past, present and the bomber. Therefore, I've pretty much spent the past 2 days writing and editing.

I've decided one thing for sure--it is good that we don't see ourselves clearly all the time. That can be just a mite dangerous, irritating, scary, and humbling. I'm not saying we should live in denial, I'm just saying it's good we don't live under fluorescent lights!

I've just spent the last two days with my book under a microscope. I just about hated every page. Then to add insult to injury I went clothes shopping during lunch yesterday--Yeowza. It helps me keep me on track, I guess.

My mom and dad have these really incredible mirrors. I love them, I try to look in them every time I'm at their house. I think every mirror should be replaced with theirs.

Since I've been looking up scriptures the past two days for my book I thought I'd put one in here too.

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12

I hope to see enough to want to get better, but not so much that I can't get out of bed.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Day 16 - High Anxiety--I mean--Low Anxiety


As you can see today is January 16th! I've been able to stay on track for all of those 16 days. So here's the down low. I pride myself on not being a terribly anxious person--I can handle stress--no problem. Until I take away my medications (TV & munching).

I don't feel extremely anxious, it's just this kind of low level hum of anxiety. Like I should be doing something and can't remember what. The feeling that in the past sent me to numb myself in front of the TV or the refrigerator. I'm trying to combat this in healthier ways like writing and conversing. Yet, the subversive side still comes out and now I'm reading New Moon (book 2 in Twilight series) for a fix! It works with just the right level of distraction and might I add numbing.

If you have any healthier alternatives just let me know.

Here's the rest of the story. I am really feeling much better. I have a lot more energy which is fantastic. I am also getting a lot done--especially with writing, thus the strange behavior with my book! I've also lost 10 pounds since January 1. Yeah! Tomorrow is the 17th --my cheat day, but Emily my sister is making wiener schnitzel on Sunday the 18th. I am not going to miss that, so the 18th is my cheat day this month.

16 days down only 349 days left.

Remember Everyone's Crazy--Especially Me!

I have decided that I'm submitting my book again to agents. Therefore, I cannot keep it on my blog--I'm so sorry for my extreme vacillations! If you still want to read it I do have copies that I lend out and I would be happy to lend one to you. If you would like one and live relatively close email me at dmedmd@msn.com.

I know I am a nut!