Setbacks Schmetbacks

I awoke yesterday with a different brain. It was as if I had been possessed by a nagging hunger that was deep--not just deep--it was cavernous--not just cavernous--it was galactic--not just galactic--it was infinite. Yep, that's the word. I woke up with an infinite hunger, that would not be sated. I know you're sad--because you thought I was perfect. I am sorry for the disillusionment.

It couldn't be sated with low-fat & high fiber soy nuts, whole wheat pretzels, Wendy's Chicken Sandwich without sauce, Wendy's Small Chili (on the edge of the 4g of fat thing), chicken gyro (okay that was a skid off the edge) of which I only ate 1/2, and okay the final truth and I am only going to whisper it French fries and fry sauce. Yes, I ate like 15! I just couldn't stop. My first real cheat!

I just felt like eating JUNK! Thus, the foray to Wendy's and when I picked up my hungry daughter from dance, Apollo Burger. Honestly. The French fry craving had been building for days, but I was handling it--no problem. I had perspective. What made me lose that perspective? I didn't feel stressed or down. I animated those fries, like they were talking to me, like they had power. They don't have power--I DO! Tarnation.

I take a deep breath. Today I am back in the drivers seat--where food is fuel--nothing more, it doesn't dance, it doesn't tempt, it is there to serve me and make me strong!

Through a Glass Darkly

It's been days. I think I've forgotten how to blog.

I've had some good news on the book front that I am excited about. I started sending out queries again and thanks to my incredible sister-in-law Brodi's advice on query tweaking, I had a positive response.

I sent a query and the first chapter to an agent and she asked to see the whole book! Yea! It's the first time that has happened. A bona-fide NY agent—with a great agency. So the reason I haven't posted is that my book was still in pieces—past, present and the bomber. Therefore, I've pretty much spent the past 2 days writing and editing.

I've decided one thing for sure--it is good that we don't see ourselves clearly all the time. That can be just a mite dangerous, irritating, scary, and humbling. I'm not saying we should live in denial, I'm just saying it's good we don't live under fluorescent lights!

I've just spent the last two days with my book under a microscope. I just about hated every page. Then to add insult to injury I went clothes shopping during lunch yesterday--Yeowza. It helps me keep me on track, I guess.

My mom and dad have these really incredible mirrors. I love them, I try to look in them every time I'm at their house. I think every mirror should be replaced with theirs.

Since I've been looking up scriptures the past two days for my book I thought I'd put one in here too.

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." 1 Corinthians 13:12

I hope to see enough to want to get better, but not so much that I can't get out of bed.

Day 16 - High Anxiety--I mean--Low Anxiety

As you can see today is January 16th! I've been able to stay on track for all of those 16 days. So here's the down low. I pride myself on not being a terribly anxious person--I can handle stress--no problem. Until I take away my medications (TV & munching).

I don't feel extremely anxious, it's just this kind of low level hum of anxiety. Like I should be doing something and can't remember what. The feeling that in the past sent me to numb myself in front of the TV or the refrigerator. I'm trying to combat this in healthier ways like writing and conversing. Yet, the subversive side still comes out and now I'm reading New Moon (book 2 in Twilight series) for a fix! It works with just the right level of distraction and might I add numbing.

If you have any healthier alternatives just let me know.

Here's the rest of the story. I am really feeling much better. I have a lot more energy which is fantastic. I am also getting a lot done--especially with writing, thus the strange behavior with my book! I've also lost 10 pounds since January 1. Yeah! Tomorrow is the 17th --my cheat day, but Emily my sister is making wiener schnitzel on Sunday the 18th. I am not going to miss that, so the 18th is my cheat day this month.

16 days down only 349 days left.

Remember Everyone's Crazy--Especially Me!

I have decided that I'm submitting my book again to agents. Therefore, I cannot keep it on my blog--I'm so sorry for my extreme vacillations! If you still want to read it I do have copies that I lend out and I would be happy to lend one to you. If you would like one and live relatively close email me at dmedmd@msn.com.

I know I am a nut!

24 is a Vampire or You know you're desperate when:

I've been doing fine with the no TV thing for over a week now--no problem. I can read while my husband watches late night TV. I feel all productive and such as I look down my nose at the whole television industry. Until last night--last night was hard. Last night had the two hour 24 premier (for which we have all waited a very long time) and The Golden Globes (which I find very funny).

I had to read something, anything easy and distracting. I got out Twilight. I have only read it once and I knew it would be absorbing if nothing else. By the time 24 starts I'm at the part where Bella tells Edward she knows he is a vampire. Then he tells her how he is the perfect predator because everything about him draws her in!

I had an epiphany. 24 is a vampire. Everything about it draws me in! I was lying in bed next to my 24 watching husband, desperately reading my book. I kept peeking over the top. The sound of the clock ticking down, the unraveling sound at the break, the yelling, the crashes, Jack Bauer's handsome yet ferret-like face--I was helpless against the onslaught, it's evil and so cold in its disdain for my goals. So, I did not cheat, but I had to surrender the bed and leave with my book. Like reading Twilight is better than 24. Maybe a better idea would be to take a vow of abstinence from Twilight. Now that would have been smart!

So I decided that yesterday was a day of desperation. Desperate act one: I hadn't bought Diet Coke before the Sabbath and I only had one--which embarrassingly sent me into caffeine withdrawal causing a terrible headache--so I drank an old flat Diet Coke in the fridge. Desperate act two: I had hardly any low fat food at home either so I ate two peanut butter sandwiches in a row for lunch (only 1 tsp peanut butter each). Desperate act three: I re-read almost 3/4 of Twilight in one night, just to avoid 24. Talk about unintended consequences.

Fat Cow Syndrome--It really is a disease, not a British insult.

I spent all day today at work reading and writing about Fat Cow Syndrome. It is an actual problem that leads to all kinds of problems in the pregnant and post-natal cow! It leads to metabolic disorders, infections, difficult calving, retained placenta, metritis, displaced abomasum (one of those pesky stomachs), mastitis, ketosis and milk fever. Just to name a few.

Guess what the treatment is--it boils down to basically eating less, eating fiber and exercise!

It sure was a graphic and informative day. Cows are just a little gross especially when they're sick, and I got to be treated to so many wonderful pictures and drawings. Honestly it was fascinating.

Not that I drew any unflattering comparisons, but how could you not. Cows are just these really big mammals. I don't want to be a perfect example of Fat Human Syndrome. I want to be an example of Sleek and Sexy Human Syndrome!

Thus I've made it to the 9th day. By the way--as I suspected the TV thing has turned out to be much easier than the eating thing.

Day 6: "To sleep, perchance to dream, aye, there's the rub."

I am still on the wagon, for anyone who cares.  I've made it six days with no TV--even though my daughter had to remind me once that my eyes had drifted to "The Colbert Report" that she had so thoughtlessly turned on while I was doing the dishes.  

I am also still doing well on the eating leg of this journey.  Although I have to admit--the not eating white flour/rice may just be impossible.  I took my daughter up to Logan today to visit her twin (and by coincidence my other daughter) and when I was on my way back I needed to stop for gas, wiper fluid, diet coke and of course something to keep me occupied on the way home. They didn't have the whole grain pretzels I prefer, but they did have regular ones.  So you all may count that as a cheat--I don't, even though that may mean to some that I am fudging--hard pretzels are after all eminently low fat!

Now after that update--I can get to the real meat of this blog.  Yesterday I had the strangest dream.  I dreamt I was watching TV.  I was watching a show that was a mix of Teletubbies and Simpsons.  It was extraordinarily disturbing.  First of all both shows are unnerving in their own special way, but the mix of the two is like watching our hairless cat steal a rib off the dining room table, dis-tur-bing.  In the dream I just sat there watching and I knew that TV was off limits but I couldn't  turn my head.  It was like the dream where someone is chasing you and you can't run away, but worse because I was blowing my goal for the whole year--and I knew it wasn't worth it.  

I woke up mad and relieved.  Relieved that I hadn't failed but angry that I didn't get to watch anything good in my dream!

6 Days Down Baby!