Who is that person?

I feel like I've been a thousand different people. I look at pictures of myself even just a year or two ago (or 22 years ago) and hardly recognize myself. I laugh at how impatient I was. I've always been a rushing towards the future kind of gal. I wonder if my twenty year old self saw me now would she be disappointed? Probably.

I unfairly expected so much from myself and from others. Now I'm really happy to get through the basics of my day. I don't have time or actually I don't have the energy to worry about what others are doing or saying. I look at people that in my younger years I would have thought of as failures and wonder at their staying power, at their ability to try to overcome really difficult problems. Success to me now is not something that is necessarily achieved but the effort of trying to be a little bit better everyday.

Sometimes waking and getting dressed is success. Today I made my bed, washed out the dog kennel, did a few loads of laundry, went to the grocery story and delivered several kids several places while also managing to take a bath! I won't list the things that didn't get done--that's just defeatist. I still deserve an ovation--and so do you.

March Madness - Resolution Review

March will not go down in history of one of my best months in this resolution cycle. I find the ways I've cheated to be both dissatisfying and disappointing. I didn't cheat grandly--which is at least fun. I've just cheated here and there with things that are not even worth discussing. Which is why I am going to discuss it in detail now.

First here are the foods that save me:





Wendy's Chicken Grill - Without sauce is under 4 g of fat





Snyder's Honey Wheat Pretzels







"The Store" Salsa--YUM

Now for the problems--Peanut M&M's at work. I was just eating one a day--today was bad and I had a couple of handfuls! Then just eating bits and pieces of food that don't fit the rules I've made. If I'm going to cheat I should just sit down and make a meal of it!

So the weight loss has stalled. I haven't gained any back, but I'm not losing and that just gets discouraging.

Then I'm having a hard time with TV. I cannot seem to fold laundry without watching, but then it's so easy to just keep watching even after I'm finished! I ended up watching America's Next Top Model two weeks in a row. That is the high calorie, hardly filling, food of television and definitely leaves me wanting to take a shower!

So it's back to basics baby!

The Magic of Blue Sky & Green Leaves

I'm still on the magic kick. I probably will be all year. I love blue and green in the form of leaves and sky. If I want to relax all I have to do is lay on the grass under a tree and look at the sky through the leaves.

Imagine a soft wind and you on the warm grass gazing through the trembling canopy of leaves. The gentle rustling, light reflecting off the glossy leaves ever changing like fire.

Man, I have such terrible spring fever.


Enjoy these fine examples of the magic of summer.

Ramblin' Edo

Oh to be a long-haul trucker.

I love to drive! I have driving fantasies. I know when I'm much too stressed because I start dwelling on driving away. The where doesn't so much matter as the how--the car. For a long time it centered on Portland, Oregon where my husband went to school and we lived for those first few years of marriage. Now, it could be anywhere.

For the last couple of years I've made a loop from SLC to Jackson Hole, past the Grand Tetons, through Yellowstone and then down through Bear Lake back to SLC. It takes about 17 hours. It is total beauty overload. I've done it alone, which I'm not sure is wise, but it sure is a way to get time to think.

I also really like the drive through Montana up through Glacier National Park into Waterton Canada. Montana really does have "Big Sky" and the Rockies are austere and threatening and inspiring.

I drive pretty much the whole time on family vacations. I feel like I'm the one making all that scenery happen--the magical tour director. When we make a road trip I feel as if the car is the machine that somehow causes the transformation from familiar to fantastic. Planes are too fast and disorienting. Although I don't love the family road trip that lasts longer than 12 hours!

If you don't already think I am mentally unstable here comes the kicker. Disclaimer: I am happily married and I love my family. My love of driving goes hand in hand with leavin' songs. Those are my favorite types of song in the Blues and Country genres and the tackier the better. I love "I'm leaving on a Jet Plane," "Wichita Lineman" (Which is really a song about a rambling electrician--a RAMBLING ELECTRICIAN), "Ramblin' Man," "Me & Bobby McGee" (Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose) & "He Thinks He'll Keep Her." These songs are so deliciously selfish--something I don't even let myself think about--they do.

So don't worry--I'm not going anywhere--at least not for long.

Pros of Being Over-Large

Do you want to know what the pros are of being "Over-Large?" I'm thinking that is a better word than fat! There are some pros you know. I'm only going to talk about the pros today. I don't know why.

Yeah, I do know why. It's because I had this great thing going, I wasn't having too hard of time. Then I had my birthday last week and I had a marvelous time eating all those forbidden things. Everything seemed okay until the next morning and I had sudden and strong cravings. There was still 3/4 of a cake in the refrigerator, leftover steak and mucho cookies.

This is why I only cheat once a month because it takes several days to get the cravings under control. I have gotten it under control--mostly, but I still want to say what's great about being over- large.

Numero Uno: YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT! A nice perk!

Segundo: Eating masks those difficult emotions. Suddenly without food I have to communicate my "true" feelings or else I may explode. I'm not sure the world is ready for my "true" feelings. I know I'm not. (I actually am a harsher person without food as a buffer.)

Trecero: It seems as if expectations lower a bit when I am over-large. Could it be a way of hiding? Fancy that.

There is no fourth. Those are the only three. Oh wait, did I mention you can EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT--yes, the capital letters emphasize that I am yelling!


Coming Soon: The Cons!

Kisses

As I wrote several days ago--I've been thinking about things that are magic to me and I've made a list. The 2nd Avenue Garden really was when I first felt that there was something special to be had in this life, but there is so much more. That made me think of kissing! Kissing to me is like reading, you get to touch another person's mind and soul. (Is that too deep a comment about kissing?)

Here it goes. This may be crossing a line, but kissing is magical. There are many kinds of kisses. I won't go into the non-magical ones. I'm sure we've all had a few of those.

First is the kiss a child gives. In our family we give kisses that we call "Italianos" where we kiss one cheek and then the other. I love this. I love the way each child has their own smell and kisses just a little differently. One daughter is like a butterfly and barely brushes my cheeks. My son's are more like hugs as he lays mostly his cheek against mine.

Then there are first kisses. I've only had 6 first kisses. I was game for more I promise, but it seemed like the boys I dated had to work up some gumption to kiss me. I'm not going to talk about all of them I promise and of course no names!

My first kiss was a wonderful surprise. I was 16. I was at a leadership camp in the mountains of Colorado at Camp Cheley. I'd made friends with a very darling boy from Florida. We spent a lot of time together and of course I had the type of crush you can only have on someone you've known for 4 days and will never see again. At the very end we were all in this big circle holding hands and singing some very silly song you only sing at camp, for our good byes. He hugged me and then just planted one on me! It was an awesome. A perfect first kiss. I swear my lips were warm for a full day!

Then time went by and I finally had a boyfriend. It was someone I really liked--in fact I had liked him for two years. He was the kind of boy that I'd talk to on the phone to (secretly) until 3 in the morning. Anyway, after we'd been dating (way too long) he kissed me. We were in his car on the way somewhere and he just stopped and kissed me--totally cool! I had the conscious thought, "So this is what everyone's been talking about!" It shocked me how wonderful it was. I still remember everything about it--especially how his car smelled at exactly that moment--weird how the brain works.

Then my husband. When we were dating my husband waited 23 dates before he kissed me. Yes, 23 dates! We went out sometimes twice a week for 3 months before the fateful day. I was dying. The first time he kissed me I had again a very strong thought, "Man oh man am I in trouble." We're still married because the kissing is still magical, even though it's been almost 23 years since that day. Let this be a warning to him.

Kisses in almost all forms are magic.

12 Pounds--That's a lot of Sugar off the Bod!

Just thought I'd do a quick heads up on the no TV and no sugar, low-fat thingamabob. Things are actually going well! Especially the food thing. It's now been over 6 weeks and I had one blow out day (I blogged the confession) and I must admit I had a day where I ate several handfuls of bridge mix. This coincided with the TV extravaganza day I had while sick! Then on four occasions I've eaten three M&Ms totaling 12 M&Ms.

I've eaten a ton of healthy food and I feel really great. I've got energy for the first time in a long while. I think sugar really makes me feel run down. I've lost 12 pounds in 6 or so weeks--I think that's pretty healthy and steady weight loss. The clothes are fitting much better and some are even feeling a little loose--Hurraaayyy.

Now, to the TV. I have not watched anything BUT Battlestar Galactica. It's been really interesting that the only show I actually really want to watch is BSG. I would not have guessed that in the beginning--I knew I would miss it, but not have it be the only show that I've actually broken the rules for. This brings me to an amendment to the TV rules. I may watch Battlestar Galactice and I may watch anything I want one day a month--just like the food. Is that bending the rules too far?